i was born a porn star she said
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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