I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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