what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
