Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize