he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize