mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
