where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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