a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
My life is pants optional.
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