I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
