Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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