If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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