I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Randomize
