YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
