I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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