Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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