I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize