I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize