Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
