I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
