Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
