When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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