i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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