party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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