Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
