the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Randomize
