you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
