Old men and throwing up are my life now.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
