i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
