I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Randomize
