this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize