I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
