Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize