i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
