If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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