How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
