I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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