I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
