I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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