You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
