fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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