the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
