I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I enjoy the company of your penis
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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