well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
