Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
