that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Is it because I queefed?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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