Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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