I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
