if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
if i can run in heels then i can drive
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
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