There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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