Cold hands, warm shart.
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
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