my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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