come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
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