she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Randomize
