Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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