Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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