I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
