i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
