I'm really into asian looking animals
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize