I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
i think my cat just said my name.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
