Did I show you my penis last night?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
You dont lie about slip and slides
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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