Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
