We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Ladies don't puke and tell
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
